Msmonrad's Blog

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/12/15/illinois.gitmo.react/index.html

Obama is finally making a move on one of his promises. Sadly, it’s not one of his more appealing promises either. I am 100% equal rights- never been more proud to live in Iowa than when we legalized gay marriage. I think universal health care is a wonderful ideal- I just think people should have universal jobs to pay for it all and be universal US citizens. Closing Guantanamo Bay- not too fond of this one. Any part of this one, really. Yes, the US prisons have had some troubles, and definitely crossed some lines. But no lines that haven’t been crossed, or are currently being crossed, in other countries at some point in time. We have tried to be the bigger country and reprimand those responsible. I just don’t feel comfortable knowing I will be driving by a prison containing people who would kill me. I know, not all of them would, some are pressured into it and I am also aware I am stereotyping a bit

The Thomson jail currently contains 200 minimum security prisoners, the town is only of 450 (both according to the DM Reg). Hey, I know of a koi pond needing some stimulus, let’s throw a few piranhas in there. You know what the koi will say? “That’s why we have guns.” That quote is not me being a racist pig, but rather an actual person’s response on the DM Reg article. Hm. Bad idea, koi, very bad idea. In fact, bad ideas all around.

One of the main reasons the detainees are traveling up to Thomson is to stimulate the economy in the area. I think legalizing pot would also stimulate the economy. Nationwide. Let’s give that a try, first.

Halfway to the deadline I gave myself at the wee beginning of this blog! Let’s check in and see how I’m doing so far. I.E.- I need to know how much I need to kick my butt in gear to get this beastie done.

• Get a job. – Still applying, but much slower than I should be. COME ON, MEREDITH, HIRE ME!
• Keep Guadelupe ‘Lupe’ Monrad, my new spicy-red beta fish alive. – Check! But he’s a freaking creep of a fish. I kind of like it.
• Read the ‘Dead Until Dark’ (or should I say TrueBlood) series. – Read the first one, not too impressed. Reads just like the tv show, and since the books aren’t any more intelligent, I’d rather watch Stephen Moyer get frisky.
• Learn how to grill. – Nope.
• Deep clean my car. – Cup holders are clean!
• Master/maximize this twitter beast. – Check!
• Start learning Italian. I’ve had these discs for years… – It’s sitting beside my bed, not opened yet. It’s physically closer.
• Get health insurance, one way or another. – I qualify for Planned Parenthood’s ‘Lady necessities’ Medicaid. It’s something.

Only two-and-a-half left undone, not too shabby for 3 months in. In fact, I might have even added/accomplished bonus goals to make up for it.

• I work out more regularly, 2 night a week usually, then 3 nights, I’m up to 4 nights a week now. I know, try and keep yourself from imagining my awesomely sexy body now. Try it.
• I signed up for the GRE in March. I am one of the worst test-takers in history (fact). Why am I doing this? Oh yes, I dream of having excess money some day and going to grad school, preferably for English.

Crap, I’m half a good counterpoint short. How about my health? I’m healthy. No swine here. Worth a half point? Why yes, I think so. Ah, this reminds me of a bad day I had in high school. My mother asked me how my day was, and not wanting to be a Johnny Raincloud, I said the first positive thing that popped into my head, “Well, I’m not pregnant.” Judging by the look on her face, that’s not the answer she was expecting from her 16-year-old daughter.

Moral of the Blog- Despite all my down time, I actually am getting stuff done. While that makes me feel better, it also makes me want to see what I can do if I cut my spare time down just a little more. I used to work 20 hours a week while taking 15-18 credits and STILL had time to lose a little dignity on the weekends. What’s my excuse now?

Just call me Employee of the Month, blogging at work while waiting for an email so I can start the work I’m supposed to be cranking out today. Well, was supposed to start cranking out on Tuesday, but you know how deadlines work. I blame Corporate Red Tape.

After 2 1/2 years at my magazine publishing headquarters, I am switching departments! Okay, not so much switching as creating a new one. I will no longer be a part of New Media & Marketing, but the Meredith Content Center, training print employees how to rock out online publishing. I’m pretty excited for a change of pace, and pretty excited that we lowly contractors are viewed as competent enough to train 30-something people, who have worked here full-time for Lord knows how long, new things. One step closer to getting hired (I hope!)! I’m okay with baby steps, as long as there’s a pot of gold, or benefits, somewhere at the end.

I’ll be getting my own cubicle, which I fully intend on decorating with as much awesomeness as it can handle. I’ll be getting a nameplate (I think) which I fully intend on posing by for a cheesy picture. I’ll also be moving from the fourth floor of the newer building to the basement (Lower Level, as I think I’m going to call it) of the older building. Good, Good, Questionable. But my life is based around all things questionable, so I think I am going to rock out this new department and show my new boss, I shall call him Rick James (not his name but surprisingly close) what I am made of.*

Wish me luck, I might be a man by the end of the year yet!**

*Aside from the obvious sugar, spice & everything nice, I am made of ninja stealth, artistry and glitter.

**Read previous post for the reference, I am NOT a tranny. Nothing against those who are. It’s my choice to remain my lady gender.

Oh. Em. Gee. Tyra Banks, I love you. I have a massive girl-crush on you and everything you touch. I don’t really enjoy Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass is too sexy for Blair, Serena always sounds near tears, and I just can’t get into, or really discover, a plot line. Keep in mind, this is not enough to keep me from watching it weekly with my roommates. I’m a sucker for anything influential in pop culture. But, Ms. Banks, you just made this episode amazing. I loved it! For the record, I was hoping we’d get to see your scene even though it was cut from the movie, I’ve listened to “Shake Ya Body” quite a few times.

My Banks obsession started sophomore year of college, a grand 3 (ish) years ago. An America’s Next Top Model marathon was rolling and within hours, I was hooked. Granted, Nigel Barker plays a huge role in this (Mrs. Barker, you lucky woman you). Photography my favorite form or art, and I love hearing his critiques to help the camera love you, work angles, lighting, etc. But guess what. Tyra is a photographer too!

Tyra is so pretty, and she likes weird girls! She always helps the shy, awkward girls own their awkwardness and become powerful, awkward girls. She gets a lot of criticism for this though, because she comes across as a know-it-all-ghetto-fab-ex-model. She doesn’t deserve criticism for this. She does know it all. All right, maybe not all, but she knows significantly more than 98% people about modeling. Are you a successful supermodel? Oh yeah? Fine. You can criticize her. But no one else. She does have a little ‘ghetto-fab’ in her speech. It’s spunky, and I like it. Every time she mentions how much she loves fried food, I want to tell her about Babe’s restaurant where they feed you chicken fried steak or fried chicken with family-style accompaniments of creamed corn, mashed potatoes, and mass amounts of gravy. Food for REAL women, ya’ll.*

I admire how she supports philanthropies, for example she’s giving money to the Philippines. But she isn’t rubbing that in our faces and trying to make herself seem like a goddess for doing so. In fact, I only found out via twitter:

“RT @tyrabanks way to help philippines: http://www.redcross.org.ph/ did u know big bulk of donations come from peeps sending lil as a dollar. for realz!” and “RT @tyrabanks I just pledged $ to philippines. Would luv for u to help too. Even $1 helps. Yep. Just $1. Much as itunes song. Actually less now…TyTy”

As a self-proclaimed grammar nazi, these tweets are a little much. They are so humble though, and encouraging! I know this is cliche, but, she just seems so real!

Make fun of me if you must. I admire this woman. She’s over-the-top and FABULOUS.

*Disclaimer: I am not obese, or even fat. I promise.

I feel like a grown-up right now. I’m listening to the musical score of Sin City while either reading a mystery novel, cleaning, cooking, or the obvious blogging. These moments have been increasing at a dramatic rate since moving off of Greek Street. Correlation? I think so.

Even though I feel like a grown-up, I realize I am far from any workable definition of ‘adult’. Cleaning out the cup-holders in my car should NOT make me feel like a responsible person, it should make me feel like a disgusting slob for letting them sit, coke-and-melted-mint filled, for over a year. Sick.

Making soup should not make me feel like an adult. I’m too poor to go out to eat all the time and I like – nay, I love – eating. Cooking should be a regular part of life that doesn’t signal responsibility but necessity. Meeting my basic needs it not maturity, it’s caveman instinct.

Reading is a step up from television, to be sure, but still should not make me feel like a grown-up. Oh my, I’m not watching Real Chance of Love reruns? Tyra is not giving me modeling tips? I’m clearly an educated adult well past such superfluous ways to waste my time. Instead, I’m reading a vampire-mystery novel. If you guessed Twilight, I will punch you in the fucking face. Sadly, Dead Until Dark is still far from mind-blowing. The series TruBlood is based off this series, and so far it reads just like watching the show. I like the show, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not questioning realities, discovering new philosophies, or being whisked away in a rapture of romance like I might when reading a classic literary piece.

The last thing that made me feel grown-up that I can easily rip apart- my music choice. I’m admittedly a nerd, I love instrumental soundtracks that cause me to sink into the setting the music has set and daydream about life events that would fit perfectly with the sounds. Sin City was a great movie, and the soundtrack is phenomenal. Does not change the fact it’s based off a comic book. COMIC BOOK.

I’m listening to a comic book soundtrack, reading a novel about vampires, cleaning up messes I’ve ignored for years and I think I’m a mature adult? Seriously. As a close friend once told me right before a friend drove me home one early, groggy Saturday morning, “Get your shit together.”

Okay, he was funny in the Hangover, I felt like we bonded over our shared dislike of pants. But this, oh my, THIS is so mean I feel terrible for laughing. But it’s hilarious. Mock interviews with celebrities. Honestly, who else would have to courage to say to the amazing Natalie Portman, “So for V for Vendetta you shaved your head, did you also shave your V for Va—-?” I think one of my favorites is with Charlize Theron, or Bradley Cooper. I just wish I knew if Mr. Cooper’s interview was pre- or post-hangover.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6ae880a42b/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis?rel=auto_related&rel_pos=3

Here I am, dudsing and sudsing my laundry at the Chuck-E Cheese of laundromats, or as some roommates of mine like to call it, a gyspy camp. I’ve so far realized the tile that should be forming a floor is gone (a nice sticky adhesive makes a delightful *schtick* noise when you walk though). I’ve also realized part of the ceiling is missing. However, the giant, dirty fishtank containing giant, dirty fish is still here. There’s a couple on a couch watching America’s Got Talent on the TV twice the size of my own, and a small, ethnic family behind them. I can’t complain, Grandma Lee is cracking me up today. NOT cracking me up, however, is this washing machine-hogging skank, and by skank I mean older woman taking more than her fair share of machines. I went to a row of three washer to start my loads, and she immediately reserves the ones 2 of the 3 (the ones I’m not standing right in front of) with quarters and single pieces of clothing. First, bitch move. Second, this place takes tokens, idiot. Third, she wasn’t even washing those clothes at that time. She was folding some of her other clothes on a separate washer. If she wasn’t twice my size wide (and didn’t look like she might have a home-made shank in that floral shirt of hers) I might’ve said something.

That’s a lie. Dammit.

This new-age Billy Elliot in a Lakers-esque TEAM AGT  jersey is pretty good at what he does. Huh.

Back to the etiquette! Should I have said something to the lady taking up an unnecessary 4 washers? Or is this a time when I need to ‘know my role’ and wait until I become a regular (hope to God not) here?

Here’s to hoping to meet a DMU student with a job and house in the next 6 months! *cheers*

This child is AMAZING! I laughed until I cried not once, but twice, and yes that was in a row. K-Fed, you got nothing, this kiddo is kicking ass and he’s not even old enough to know what half the lyrics mean.

So I’ve read the articles, had the emails forwarded, and here are the ones I feel personally connected to for one reason or another or made me giggle awkwardly to myself at work as I read them- you can guess which is which. I’ll tell you if you’re right.

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”
• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
• There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

One of my life dreams is to have my child ask me about ninjas like this, no joke.